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Writer's picturewidowavenger4god

A Nightmare Only God Could Handle


September 10th, 2021 a day that changed me forever.


What started out as a normal Thursday night (Sept 9th) in our home, soon turned into a nightmare that we never could have expected. My youngest had a volleyball game that evening but unfortunately I was not able to make it to all of her matches and I had to work that evening. Brett was suppose to go to the volleyball game but did not make it. This had actually become a norm for him to pull away from going to social events (will touch on this in another post.) That evening, when we all got home from our busy day, we found ourselves hanging out in the kitchen and sharing the happenings of our day. It was quite a pleasant conversation for the most part and I recall Brett bringing up how he could see how happy our eldest daughter was at The University of Alabama; she had just come home the previous weekend for Labor Day. Looking back it seemed that he just kept trying to reassure me, or maybe it was himself, that we had made the right decision for her and that he could see that it was going to be really good for her. I honestly didn't think much of it at the time.


There wasn't anything really off or what I could distinguish as being abnormal that day or evening with Brett. However, looking back he did attempt a few times to be affectionate with me. We had not been physical with one another in some time (another topic I will touch on in a later post) but I can remember him making somewhat of a pass at me earlier that day as I was cooking breakfast. As I think back to that moment, I can't help but think that he was searching for some kind of reassurance that I still loved him or maybe it was just the reassurance that he still wanted and loved me. I have always struggled with my body image and over the years and my struggle with my weight, I had built walls up even with my own husband who I know loved me unconditionally (Again this will be a topic for another day.) Let's get back to that evening. We are late night owls and it was pretty normal to go to bed around 1am-2am. As I was settling into bed Brett came into the bedroom and made yet another attempt to show me physical affection. And yet again, I answered with an irritated "no I am tired and ready to go to bed." It was like an automated response that I had created to hide behind my deep underlying insecurities. Let's just say my love language isn't personal touch. He proceeded to ask me if I had watched a video he had sent to me earlier that day and it is like I let him down again when I said "no not yet Brett." To be fair he would send so many videos, tiktoks, posts, memes, etc throughout the day that it could just be too much at times. As I settled into my sheets he left the room and proceeded to his office where he spent much of his time. At 1:38am he sent me a music video. It was titled "8 letters-Why Don't We." I watched the video, honestly I was half asleep and dosing off, but I did watch it. I simply replied coldly with a "cool video." I really did not know why he was sending me that or what he was trying to accomplish or tell me through that video. I would have said more had I realized it was yet another attempt to tell me HE LOVED ME. You will understand why the guilt I carried for some time was so heavy when you consider just how insensitive my response was to that video and to a husband who was feeling rejected by his wife, YET AGAIN! My pride and stubbornness was in the way of me opening up and feeling vulnerable as I was battling so many of my own demons and self destructive thoughts.


I dozed off to sleep and I missed the texts that followed after my response. He continues, "Really?" "That's your response?" "K Bye". By this time I had already fallen asleep and he continued quoting the lyrics to the song, "When I close my eyes it's you there in my mind. If all it is is eight letters why is it so hard to say? If all it is is eight letters why am I in my own way? Why do I pull you close and then ask you for space? If all it is is eight letters why is it so hard to say?" I totally missed these texts but was awoken by loud music and a cat clawing at my door from outside. I text him in my half awake state and asked him to turn the music down and let the cat in. It was odd, I recall thinking to myself, why is he playing music so loudly at this time of the night? What is his deal? But again you have to know that Brett loved music and movies and he loved to listen to them loud! SoI fell back asleep as he turned the music down and He simply responded with, "K" and then a crying emoji face. I actually did not see those texts until the next day but those were the LAST texts and LAST words I EVER RECEIVED FROM MY HUSBAND at 2:22am on September 10th, 2021.


Sometime between 4 and 5 am I woke up suddenly from my sleep. I was so deep into my sleep that when I woke I thought I had dreamt I heard a loud noise. I remember being a little thrown off and thinking "was that real" or was that in my sleep and I just wrote it off that it must have been one of the cats knocking something over. However, when I woke abruptly, I woke with an excruciating headache. I had not had a headache that severe, like that of a migraine, in I can't tell you how long. I tossed and turned for hours. I couldn't get comfortable and my headache was so intense that I was nauseated. I remember sweating, feeling like I was going to throw up, being in that state of half awake/half asleep. Finally around 7:30am I got up and walked to the medicine closet by Brett's office to grab something for my headache. I went back to bed after taking 4 ibupfrofens and I finally fell asleep. It turns out that around 4:30am is when Brett took his life. This would have been around the same time in which something woke me abruptly and I woke with a migraine so bad I was nauseous. It is like my body knew. My soul knew he was gone. Like we were connected in some way and my body was already experiencing the pain from the tragedy that my mind would later find out. I had no idea in that moment that Brett had shot himself but I truly believe God's plan in how things played out in the remaining hours was all by His design for the protection of both my daughter and myself.


So let's continue with the happenings of the following hours to see just how I believe God designed the situation to protect both myself and my youngest daughter. As I mentioned earlier, I took some medicine for my head around 7:30am and I went back to sleep. I slept until around 1:30pm. This was NOT normal for me at all. I am not one to stay in the bad for that long. Brett on the other hand had created a habit of not getting up, sometimes until 3pm. It was not abnormal for him to stay in bed that long as he would often times not go to bed until the early hours of the morning, usually around 4-6am. This had been going on for a while and he would say that his schedule was just reversed and he needed to fix it. We will later find out that much of this behavior we can identify as signs of depression and PTSD. I will discuss this in another post as well. Needless to say, I went about my day and did not bother waking him. This again was unusual. I typically would go nag him about sleeping the day away, burst into his office, wake him up, open the curtains and tell him to get up as he was wasting the day. For some reason on this day I did not. I can remember sitting at the kitchen counter catching up on texts, emails, administrative work, scrolling on my phone and just kind of glancing towards his office wondering when he was going to come out. But something kept me from going over there. Truly looking back it was odd. It was around 2pm at this point and I started to make breakfast, yes I wanted breakfast at 2pm, I just woke up, it was still morning for me. And although the day before I had rejected my husband 3 times, I still very much had affection for him. And although stubborn and prideful, I also still was thoughtful of him. He was always so smitten over my cooking and he always appreciated anything I ever made for him. Cooking was something I felt like was my way of saying I LOVE YOU. It brought me great joy to see his excitement and gratefulness when I made his plate. I enjoyed making him happy and I knew leaving him a plate to eat when he got up would bring a smile to his face; especially since it was bacon! It is true what they say, "the way to a man's heart is through his belly" and even if I couldn't show him physical love, I had most definitely gotten this one down.


At this point it was around 2:30pm and I went to get ready for my day. I again assumed that he had a late night and I just didn't feel like bothering with nagging him that day about getting out of the bed. So I proceeded to go outside to start my afternoon of lessons. I continued on like any normal day for a few hours but around 6-6:30pm I looked over at my house which seemed to have this eery like feeling around it. It was dusk and the clouds were a little more grey that evening. I knew it was odd that Brett had yet to come outside to check the pool or leave for work. I thought maybe he left and I didn't see him. I glanced over at the driveway as I was starting my 6:30pm lesson. Nope. The car was still there, hadn't moved. At this point, my instincts were telling me something was off but I still didn't have any clue what I was about to find. 30 more minutes pass by and at this point I am getting legitimately concerned, so I text him. Now mind you, I often times would say things in dramatic fashion or sarcastically and I proceeded to say, "Are you alive or awake." I waited nearly 20min for a response as I was doing my lesson. I look at my screen to see that he had not read nor answered me, ODD! I reply, "HELLO" and again nothing. My heart is now starting to get scared. My next lesson shows up and I knew I needed to check on him, plus I needed to go to the bathroom. As I approached my backdoor I got this really eery feeling of somber, sad stillness. As I walk in I realize not a light was on, not a movement in the house had been made, his office door was still cracked the same as when I left, it was so still and so quiet and NOT NORMAL!!! I approached his office door and barged in saying "Brett are you going to get up?" It was dark in the room but I noticed his feet hanging off the futon he was laying on and his body looked lifeless and stiff. I remember my stomach falling to the floor and in terror as I approached him closer. At this point I realized he had shot himself and I ran as fast as I could outside screaming, knocking over the table and chairs on the patio, throwing myself into the grass in agony and crying in complete and utter state of shock! I had 2 girls there for my 7:30pm lesson. One had her grandfather and the other had her father there. Let me point out that the student with her father there had been taking lessons with me for years and this was maybe the 2nd time he had ever come to a lesson. How incredible it is to look back to see how God had him positioned to be there that evening as he was able to handle calling the police and making the appropriate calls that needed to happen at that time. God knew that if I had found Brett while home alone I would not of had anyone there to comfort me or handle things for me. I was in a state of shock and having someone there was a blessing in such a tragic situation.


My mind was spinning, my heart was literally being ripped out of my chest, I could feel my stomach at my feet and I could do nothing but scream WHY! So much happened in the next few hours. I felt as though I was truly in a nightmare. I wanted someone to wake me up! I wanted someone to tell me that he was not gone! I wanted someone to bring him back! I wanted to tell him I LOVE HIM! I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye or tell him I am sorry, tell him I would help him fix whatever was hurting him, tell him he was the best father and that I was never going to leave him. As tears poured down my face I realized I have to tell my girls!!!! AND HIS MOM! How in the world was I going to tell them! This brings me again to the realization that God was orchestrating the events and His hidden hand arranging the unfolding of the evening. Mackenzie was not home. Again, this was abnormal. Let's start with that morning. She needed a note to take to school for missing and Brett would always type her up an official excuse letter to take with her. She would typically go to his office before she left and grab her letter and say goodbye. That morning he left the letter on the counter. Again, not typical and she very well could have not seen it and still went in to find him. That day after school she went home with some friends. Again this was an extreme rarity. There was a football game that evening and she was going to get ready at a friend's house. Again, abnormal as they usually got ready at our house. Call it what you will, but I truly believe this was the hidden hand of God at work. Several times throughout what would have been a normal day, Mackenzie would have found her father, God knew what her heart could handle. On this day, the events unfolded in such a way to spare her from such a traumatic experience. God was protecting my baby. He was protecting me. He orchestrated the day in just a way that we were able to handle the tragedy at least with a little less trauma.


As the night unfolded the dreaded phone calls began. Hannah was away at college and I knew she was going to need to be surrounded my people when she was told the news. Again, so thankful God had people around her that could comfort her and help her get home that evening. The horrific, heart piercing cries over the phone only felt like a dagger being slowly pushed deeper into my chest. Mackenzie arrived home after being escorted from the football game with the officers on duty. Having to face my daughter as I shared with her the tragic reality we were facing. The pain in her cries I will never forget. The breaking of my heart was as if pieces of it were hitting ground like glass. I never imagined pain so great. And all I could think was that she was going to hate me and she was going to blame me. I was terrified this would destroy my family and my girls. But again God's plan continued to unfold throughout the following hours, days, months and year. Within a matter of what seems minutes but was likely much longer; I had been able to notify my girls and both my mom and dad. I was so fortunate to have both parents close enough to drop what they were doing late on a Friday evening and be close enough to me to arrive within a few hours. But that dreaded phone call to his family was still looming over me. How was I going tell his mom? I couldn't possibly call her in the state that I was in and deliver this news to her. And what if she was alone? She would not be able to take this news without the support of someone with her. God's hand at work again, delivering me great guidance in a state of anguish and despair, he helped me deliver the news to his brother first. I knew that Brett's family would need to be together in their state of shock, anger, hurt, confusion and devastation. God equipped his brother with strength to process and deliver the devastation to his mother and the rest of the family. Oh how my heart just continued to ache in ways unimaginable at this point. I truly do not know how I was able to stand, let alone call people, speak or function over the next hours and days.


The night wasn't over. It felt like time was standing still yet moving so slow. I was in some kind of fog and daze and couldn't feel anything but pain in my chest. It was like a scene out of murder mystery and a living nightmare! As the police gathered up evidence, confiscated electronics, cameras, etc. it was like I was part of a murder scene and I was being questioned. I wasn't allowed in my home, I couldn't even go in to use the restroom. I couldn't go see him or say goodbye. None of my girls were able to see him. Not that I would have wanted anyone to witness the scene of such sorrow but I just wanted to hold his body, feel his skin and try desperately to earn his forgiveness for not knowing, not saving, not loving enough, not reassuring him of his worth, my love, my promises to stay by his side through the good and the bad. A few hours passed by and Mackenzie and I were escorted separately to the police station. Talk about feeling like a murder suspect. I know it was their job and common practice for a suicide but could I really be being questioned for this? Although, I felt so much guilt and shame, that I truly did feel as though I should be prosecuted for not protecting the man I promised to love. We arrive at the station separately and are, what I felt like, interrogated and questioned to figure out if someone had murdered him. My emotions were all over the place. I felt both calm and anxious all at the same time. I knew this was protocol and that no one actually thought that I had killed him. Still though it was one of the most humiliating experiences to go through. After several hours (it felt like anyway) Mackenzie and I are able to leave together and are escorted back in the back of a police car to our home. As we pull in, it looks like a crime scene, yellow tape marked off. My mind still was trying to grasp that I was actually living a nightmare. The feeling of coming home was so unsettling. I didn't want to stay in my home. I wanted to pack my bags and go somewhere, anywhere, but I could not be in the house in which my husband had just taken his life. By this time, my father had arrived and had it not been for him being able to hold me up and being my strength in a state of complete brokenness, I do not know how I would have handled the evening. Soon after my mom, her husband and my eldest daughter arrived. I was surrounded by people who loved me, loved Brett, were broken as well; but God knew what was needed and he delivered.


This night was the beginning of my journey after God! We will learn that God finds His best soldiers on the mountain of affliction. I won't claim to be His best soldier, yet; but I know He is working in me in ways I would not have be challenged had it not been for my pain and affliction. I hope you will continue with me as I unfold the coming days, months and year as I travel through my grief, my healing and find hope again.


"Death leaves a heartache only God can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal." My take on this Irish Quote


"God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns." Psalm 46:5


"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again." Psalm 71:20


"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:15











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johnrbarrett35
Feb 04, 2023

Beautifully written and wonderfully expressed. Keep telling your story, Mary. Your words are necessary and important to put out into the universe. Your vulnerable and transparent words serve as a warm, healing reminder of who God is and can be for all of us. I'm here with you for the journey you're begun with much love and admiration.

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chelly2968
Jan 27, 2023

Mary, you are so brave to put yourself out there like this. So raw, so real, and at the same time so heartbreaking.

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